I’ll start by flipping this question back on the people asking it. What are you expecting the response to be? A click of the heels and squeal of, “YES, that must be it! Wow, thanks for sharing an idea that no-one else has ever thought of putting to me!!! You’re right, so right.” Perhaps. I won’t pretend I can think of another example – frankly, that’s the response that I’m sure 99% of people who have asked me this question over the last five or so years have wanted to hear. It’s the response that makes them right, you as the ‘still’ single person wrong. Again. Doesn’t it tire, being so right all the time?
“Are you too picky? is a question that’s not really asked among the single community. (I say ‘community’ loosely, I’m speaking about the singles among my friendship groups. We’re not extinct, yet!) Think about it – have you ever been chatting with your single friends and heard them ask each other if they’re ‘too picky’? Point proven.
I’ll be frank. It’s not only a pointless question, but a demeaning one, too. It’s hard enough getting respect from people when you’re ‘still’ one of the single ones – it’s harder when you’re asked a question that yet again puts the ownus, and for want of a better word, the blame, on you. For being single. (When actually, the fact of the matter is the last guy you went on a date with ghosted you. A them not a you problem.)
There’s a woman on Instagram whose account I’ve just spent 25 minutes (to no avail) trying to find because she articulates being single so well. And I’m so, so cross at myself for not saving the Reel I want to talk about because it was so. Damn. Good.
I don’t remember it all, but I remember the premis. “What if we spoke to people in relationships the same way we speak to single people?” she asks the camera. “Well, if it doesn’t work out, you can always get a divorce! No biggie, everyone’s getting them these days,” she replies, and so on and so forth. (This is why I’m cross because I am NOT doing her Reel justice. But hopefully you get the gist.)
Now before I go on, I’d like to note that what I’m saying isn’t true of all couples or people in relationships. Most of my friends belong to this community, and I know that any which way they might ask me if I’m ‘too picky’ is because they’d really like to see me with someone. (Same.) But this Reel really did make me stop and think about how responsible we (the singles) are made to feel about the fact that no one’s liked us enough to delete their Hinge profile or take out the ‘couples’ membership at the tennis club or get down on one knee and commit to a lifetime together. Not yet, at least.
And you know what else it made me wonder? Why is it that people in relationships, who have more often and not been out of the dating game waaay before the likes of ‘Thursday’ was a thing, feel as though they’ve got all the answers? (Thursday is one of the newer dating apps, for those of you wondering – Google it. Then come and tell me how easy it is to meet someone, when even dating apps are only working one day a week.)
Am I getting somewhere? I hope so. When I was considering writing this, I wanted to be able to compare the question to a big life thing we’re all aware of. Buying a house is what I came up with. Because for most of us, ‘getting on the ladder’ is a goal – least it’s another one of those goals that’s sort of assumed we should have. And we all know that to bug a house, it takes years of saving for a deposit (and then mortgage advisors and surveys and conveyancers and removals and…).
Viewing the first house is an adventure, isn’t it? But it’s rarely the one you’ll end up in. The kitchen might need more work than the photos showed. It’s got two bedrooms, and they’re large, but it’s not the three that you’re after. And that feels uncompromisable, because you need the third room to act as a study so you can prep the second room to be the nursery for the baby that you’re planning on having in the next couple of years. Not to mention the location, just a stone’s throw out of the catchment area for the best local school. But just a stone’s throw is all it sometimes takes.
And so the house hunting continues, viewing after viewing over weeks, months, sometimes even years. Because who in their right mind gives up thousands of pounds and years of saving to think ‘that’ll do’ about the house that’s got a bit of Japanese knotweed?
Noone. (It’s a guess, but I reckon I’m bang on with this one.) NOONE! Just because it’s the third, eighth, fifteenth, dammit fiftieth house you’re viewing, you don’t give in. And what’s interesting is people around you don’t start questioning your choices. Or asking if you’re being ‘too picky’. Because we all know it would be absurd to part with that amount of money if you’re not quite sure. Right?
If anything, we understand the pickiness. We even go home and talk to others about how we couldn’t believe that so and so had even considered offering on the Japanese knotweed infested house – imagine the dinner parties! When you buy a house you’re parting with money – objectively speaking. But when you’re choosing a person to be in a relationship with, you’re parting with so much more.
Your thoughts, feelings, emotions.
Your past, present, and future.
Your colleagues, friends, family.
Your hobbies, fears, music, personality, health, quirks, sports, mind, hopes. Not to mention your literal NAKED body (and all that comes with it)!
Why then, has it become so acceptable, so justified, to not only presume that a single person is ‘too picky’, but to actually ask them if they are? I think the question we all need to be asking here (and trust me, it’s one I’ve come close to asking some of my single community more than once), is why aren’t you being too picky?
Because if being ‘too picky’ means I stop standing up for myself when dates, situationships, BOYFRIENDS tell me my new trench coat makes me look ‘fat’, then I think I can be fine with that.
If being ‘picky’ means that no, I’m not going to give your grope-y friend a second date because he’s ‘not usually like that’, then I reckon I can be fine with that, too.
And if ‘picky’ means there’s another six months, a year, even a decade of being single but keeping sight of the person I am, the person I’m proud of, the person who’s not going to give all the work up for fear of being seen as ‘too picky’, then guess what? I’ll choose being too picky every day.
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