Hello, again. Here’s take two of a situation I found myself in earlier this year. I published and then quickly unpublished it at the time because, well, it was a weird time. As seems to be the recurring theme when boys are involved… Back in May (when I originally wrote this), I was feeling really crap. And, much like I don’t drink when I’m feeling sad, I also don’t really think it’s best to share anything I’ve written. It’s usually a bit of a knee-jerk explosion of anger, upset, and bubbling emotions that need time to settle.
Originally, I felt this shared too much – I know, even I’m surprised. I don’t really have any boundaries with this sort of thing, but I felt like I was trying to force myself to put something on here that on reflection, I just hadn’t processed yet myself. But, I’m ready now.
And, you know why? Because I’m content. Like, genuinely content. Every day, we chase so many things in life – emails sent last week, a ‘summer body’, promotions, friendships, more money, money, money – and I’ve come to the realisation: why am I adding one of the most magical things in the world – love – to that, too?
May 2022
Trying to get this piece started was actually the last part of writing it – I’d been stalled trying to find a suitable finish for anything for a while. You see, I’ve been a right young mixed bag of emotions and feelings since the beginning of the year – nothing unusual there – yet I’m in unknown territory as I simply haven’t been able to find the words – or at least feel something about the words I do find – to put anything concrete down.
It’s really not been for want of not wanting to write – I’ve got many half finished bits and bobs of various thoughts saved on my laptop – but I’ve just not been able to complete them. I’m putting a lot of this down to the fact that life seems to be throwing everyone an awful LOT to deal with at the moment. And sometimes, you can only do so much. When it rains, it pours, hey?
Anyway, let’s not get too wayward – I know what we’re all here for. So, guess what? Girl meets guy, girl likes guy, girl thinks things are going well with guy…
“Have you written something about me yet?”
“Na, I only tend to write when things go wrong.”
Ta-da. Here we are. Or here I am, sat on yet another stuffy Sunday train trying to while away the worst of the hangover writing about my latest dose of dating disappointment.
I hope the words I’ve found suffice.
***
They say once a lesson, twice a mistake. And for the second time, I made the mistake of entertaining the very beginnings of falling for somebody who, in contrast to their words, evidently wasn’t falling for me back.
Once again, I found myself seeing somebody who, a few months in, asked for some ‘space’ whilst they figured out what they wanted. (For context, this happened to me at exactly the same time last year. I remember well because both times, I thought all of those Sundays I’d been hauled to watch my brother’s rugby matches had paid off. It was, of course, during the Six Nations and I was humbly feeling as though I was excelling as ‘that cool chick that likes rugby’. I’ve made a mental note to avoid dating during the tournament next year.)
Anyway, my ears heard that infamous phrase of ‘I really like you but I’m not sure if I’m ready for a relationship’ followed by the dreaded ‘but can I have a week or so to work it out?’. If you’ve ever been unlucky enough to have this statement/question directed at you, I’m sure you’ve just been reminded of how it made you feel. And if you’ve not? Well, it’s a bit like when you put all of your effort into blowing up a balloon and feeling slightly giddy as it steals your breath until there’s almost no air left in your lungs. Then, just as you’re ready to wrestle the end into a knot and appreciate the hard work that almost sent you to an early grave, that unreliable bit of rubber slips from your grasp. Air whooshes out with speed, embracing its escape with a slightly strangled noise until you’re left with a very deflated mess. (That’s you, for those that got lost by the metaphor.) If we could physically weigh disappointment, I’m sure the numbers would be pretty significant – it pulls you down, even when you’re trying to smile. Sheds a new darkness on the phrase ‘to take your breath away’, eh?
***
Now, I’d like to make it very clear that I wholeheartedly understand that dating isn’t straight-forward. Name another process that makes you feel overwhelmed at the same time as ecstatic, tired whilst alert, confused but crying happy AND sad tears? But, what I am learning to understand is the one part that can be straight-forward: trusting your gut feeling. If it’s telling you something’s right, it probably is. And if it’s hinting anything other than right, it’s probably left. Better left for somebody else, that is.
We deconstruct words to try and make them read how we want them to. Twisting them to convince ourselves that what we so desperately want to believe is true is hidden in there somewhere. But black is black; white is white. Nothing good ever comes after a ‘but’. Especially in this context. And I’m saying this as someone who has been on both sides of the ‘but’ – when I was on that side, I quickly learned it wasn’t where I would allow myself to be again.
***
However, when you’re dating someone who is very clear about the reason they’re dating from the start – i.e. that they would like to build a relationship – continuing to see them and allowing them to invest time into you whilst you’re in the knowledge that you’re not sure if that’s what you’re after is selfish. I’m guilty of it, and reading this, you can probably recognise you’ve been guilty of it too.
But where do we draw the line? This line got a little hazy, despite my giving of numerous, open opportunities for the other party to back out (I wonder why I kept feeling the need to do that, hey?). I repeatedly forced myself into ‘top Gabs’ mode to meet friends and make a good impression, regardless of the fact I was feeling the weight of the world and longed only to curl up together with glasses of wine and talk aimlessly. For who?
Let’s make it simple: it’s not that people ‘aren’t ready’, it’s that they don’t like the other person enough. Because if they did, they’d work through any other complexity – time, location, money – to make it work.
So, the big question: Why do guys make it so difficult for themselves to admit they don’t like you enough to want to commit???
***
Does all of this sound bitter? Perhaps. But I was bitter when I wrote this. I didn’t expect to end up liking him as much as I did.
At the time, the situation was a small piece in a larger puzzle of bother that had consumed me since mid-March. A ski trip tipped me into what’s felt like a month-long hangover, and it took me until mid-May to start getting over it. Some days I felt devoid of any feelings about anything at all. Other days I was devoured by them.
And so it goes that out of my control, he got his space after all – my Grandad passed away so I spent some time back home trying to support my family and navigate a grief of a different kind.
***
“I’ve been an idiot, haven’t I? Have I massively fucked this up???”
“Honestly, it’s fine if you don’t like me – please can you just say and walk away now?”
“That’s not what I want. I’ve been worried that my feelings are going to get hurt.”
“Yet here we are, and the only one whose feelings have been hurt are mine.”
In brief, that’s how the conversation went when we met up a week or so later. I shan’t dissect anything he said too far because feelings are feelings – good, bad, or ugly. They belong to someone, and no matter how far you disagree with, misunderstand, or write about them, one person’s feelings aren’t any less valid than another’s. I think. (And hey, there’s a chance that it was all true – I’m sure he was confused – and it is viable that it was all a little much and bad timing.)
But, that doesn’t stop me being 99% sure it was bullsh*t.
***
Inevitably, the ‘space’ became permanent. It was near impossible to continue to feel how I felt about somebody who’d cast such doubt in my mind. I also had the support of past experience – suffice to say I shan’t befriend ‘space’ again for the foreseeable.
But… This piece wouldn’t have the title it does had I not thrown caution to the wind and given it one last shot – truly against my better judgement. To cut a rather boring explanation short, I messaged him to say I wasn’t sure that this was working and maybe we shouldn’t continue seeing each other. It’s funny how quickly you get a response to a message like that. This was instant, ‘must be a bad hangover’. I didn’t even have a headache.
I’m not sure if it was his audacity to think that my beloved gin could suddenly cloud my judgement over the guy to whom I had admitted feelings for (and gone as far to ask not to break my heart). That, or that fact that was genuinely the last thing he said to me.
I suppose not having the words is making a little more sense…
***
So, here we are. Well, we’re actually now in July and I’m as happy as I’ve ever been. (More on that, soon.) But when we were originally here in May, I’d penned the following:
Steadily, I’ve stopped doing my head in thinking about it. Acknowledging that I probably won’t ever have an answer about what or why takes me someway to not dwelling on it. Someway, but not all the way. Annoyingly, I picked up his habit to type certain words on a text in caps lock – but that association will dwindle. So, too, will the subconscious checking of my phone for a message from a number I know isn’t there anymore, but I still will to appear, regardless of it all. Saying what? I’m not too sure.
I don’t regret the lessen. And, to play the most wonderful game in the world, you’ve got to be in the arena first. The credit lies with finally letting myself begin to feel the feels I’ve been craving for a long time, despite the risk.
One day the risk will pay off, but not today. After all, we all want to feel something. Right?
***
Before I finish with something I stumbled upon during a train between Leicester and Sheffield, a word to the wise… EVERYONE will tell you that if someone isn’t sure, walk away. And they’re telling you because they’re right. Sure, let yourself make the mistake once. But don’t let yourself make it again. It really is this simple – they’ll make you know they want you if they want you.
‘I ended things with him because I started catching feelings. The feelings themselves weren’t the problem, them not being mutual were. I’ve learned enough about self-inflicted heartbreak to know it’s emotionally responsible to fall for someone who has no intention of catching you.’
Nothing more, nothing less.
Leave a comment